Growing up Me

Hello to all the readers, new and old. In this entry I'm going to post about something that is near to my heart: being bullied as a child and other assorted family issues growing up. The past week or two I have been dealing with some ghosts of the past. Initially it was some from 20-21 years ago, but more recently the ghosts have been from my childhood. You may be wondering, "What has prompted you to think of these things?", and that is a very good question. I can't give the reason why for the ghosts from 20-21 years ago, but I can give you the one that got me thinking of my childhood below:

As those who know me outside of the internet will tell you, I am a huge fan of professional wrestling, especially the WWE. There is a current storyline going on involving real-life twin sisters that, quite frankly, hits a bit too close to home for me. I will not go into too much detail here, but you can find out more by going to wwe.com or by googling "Bella Twins" and proceed from there. Some of you may be saying right now "Dude, it's just a storyline" or something similar and I hope that will end up being the case in the end. However, for the remainder of this post I will proceed on the assumption that it is more than a mere storyline and it is all too real. And before anyone asks, yes I will feel totally silly about believing it is real if and when it is revealed to be nothing more than a storyline in the end.

It all began when I was in the 1st grade in public school. At that time I was 7 years old and as far as I can recall it usually took place when I was walking home for lunch every day (don't know if kids are allowed to go home for lunch anymore, but since me and a few other kids lived close enough to school to be allowed to do this, we took advantage of it). I usually wore a ballcap or stocking cap to and from home, depending on the weather. It was always on the trip home for lunch when two older kids (5th graders, possibly 4th graders judging by their age at the time) always ran up behind me and took my cap away from me, usually on the property of a private school (which, ironically, I lived across the street from at the time). I usually got it back after a few minutes of "keep away", which of course I didn't enjoy. Fortunately I didn't have to worry about that on the way back from lunch, and in the mornings and after school I walked with a neighbor and one of her friends so that certainly helped keep the bullies away. I can't say I was bullied much beyond that during 1st and 2nd grades, but that was enough to put somewhat of a damper on a happy childhood from then on.

The real bullying started in the 3rd grade, after I transferred to the private school I mentioned previously. I of course heard all the usual taunts and names and whatnot, plus a few less-than-common ones. What changed, though, was the intensity of the bullying in that it occurred every day while at school from my classmates and others. While I did have a few things going for me, mainly my brother and two sisters going to the same school as me, not to mention living across the street from the school so I could run home to tell my parents, no matter how much me and the rest of my family reported it to teachers and other school officials, it never stopped permanently. Sure, it would die down some for a day or two, but then it would pick up again to levels same as before, if not more. This continued all the way throughout junior high school, where grades 6-8 were located (these days the private school has preschool through grade 8 in the same building, but back then grades 6-8 were in another building about a 10-minute walk away from home). By high school it had largely died down to the point where I was left alone more often than not, but by then the psychological damage to me had been done.

As to the psychological damage, I am afraid of being hurt on a constant basis. I don't mean the kind that can be seen on the body and fades away in time, but rather the kind that can't be easily seen. I realize that one runs the risk of being hurt in every relationship, whether one that is already established or one that is in the process of being established, but being bullied as I have increases that fear greatly, and to top things off I am deathly afraid of one day waking up and finding myself completely alone in the world without a single person caring even the slightest bit about me. I find myself unable to trust anyone completely without fear, or to love anyone without fear of being hurt, even those who are family to me (to put it another way, I find myself always looking for "a catch" as it were when communicating with other people). To my regret I have had suicidal thoughts in the past and have been hospitalized on two occasions for such thoughts, but I have made peace with my past enough through counseling to put such thoughts to rest for good, though not enough progress to completely put the past behind me and to look at it without the emotional pain that I still feel, otherwise I would not be writing this now as an attempt at some catharsis for my troubles. And I think worst of all, until 21 years ago, I found it very hard to believe anyone cared about me at all, even my family. Sure, they loved me enough back then to give me gifts for birthdays and Christmas every year and to feed me and shelter me, but otherwise...Let's just say there's a certain question I would prefer not to answer if asked and leave it at that. It was only when I met someone I hold very dear to me (my "shining light" as it were) 21 years ago that my thoughts regarding whether or not people gave a damn about me began to change for the better.

I have made strides in my life towards putting the past behind me once and for all, changing my life for the better and I've had my setbacks in that regard as well. I now know that my family does care about me and will continue to do so, no questions asked, whereas years ago you couldn't have convinced me that they did care, and with that knowledge I know 100% that I will never be truly alone as long as I have my family there to help when I need it most. I've grown enough in life to know that as bad as things may be now, they could always be worse and that suicide is not an option at any time. When I was a child it mattered what people thought of me, but as I've gotten older I've realized that it doesn't matter what others think of me, it's what I think of myself that truly matters, and as long as I have positive thoughts about myself (egotistical as that may sound), then I can make it through the day regardless of what happens. I shudder to think what would have became of me if I was growing up in this era with the social media and the internet and the like. I think that as bad as it was back then, I can consider myself fortunate that the social media that exists today wasn't present when I was growing up, so I at least had somewhat of a respite from the bullying on weekends.

To those reading this that may be in a similar situation, please don't hesitate to get help, whether it's from your family or any other trusted adult(s) you may know. Google "Mental Health Resources" and you'll find plenty of options available for your area, whether it's for suicide, to put an end to bullying, or for any other problems you may be facing. Sure, you'll have your ups and downs just like anyone else in the same situation. I've had my ups and downs too, believe me. But your problems will never get better if you don't try. It's difficult to ask for help, believe me I know from my own experience. But you can't be afraid to ask for help. The day you ask for help is the day your life starts getting better, and you can trust me on that.

That's it, I've said about all I can say on this without sounding too repetitive. I know and understand I am taking a big risk by posting this online, but what I have posted here needed to be said. My main purpose for doing this was simply an exercise in catharsis for me, not to draw attention to myself or to win any awards or anything of that nature. I will be posting the link to this in a future tweet from my Twitter profile (@DavidJHuhn) to my followers there and see where it goes from there so everyone can see what life was like for me back then, and if anyone gets anything out of this, positive or negative, then I'd consider it a bonus. Comments are always welcome here, positive or negative, as well as tweets to my aforementioned Twitter profile and to my email address (dnangel1977@yahoo.com). All I ask is that you keep the comments clean, as you may never know who is reading this.

UPDATE: The more I see the Bellas outside of the WWE the more I've come to realize that it is nothing more than a "storyline" that will end eventually. Boy do I feel silly for believing it was real...

Thanks for reading.

David J. Huhn